Last night I was invited to a ‘Cheese and Wine’ evening with friends. We had a fantastic time, and I ate more cheese and drank more wine than I would care to admit. Plus I may have eaten several slices of my housemate’s bread when we got home (why, drunk Sophie, WHY?!). While this may not be a big deal for most (although I admit that the bread was definitely a step too far), after having an unhealthy relationship with food for so long, I’m now sat in a darkened room, nursing my aching head and struggling with ‘The Guilt’.
Whilst I’m much better than I was when my disordered eating was in full swing (read all about that joyous time here), I have to admit that I still struggle with ‘The Guilt’ every time I eat/drink something that I deem to be ‘bad’. Like an annoying relative, ‘The Guilt’ pops into my head every time I treat myself to a ‘cheat meal’, which is absurd because no meal should be considered to be a cheat. As long as you eat in moderation, why can’t you enjoy your favourite foods as part of a balanced diet?
I beat myself up so much before and after social occasions, and panic about what I’m going to eat. I’m fully aware that this isn’t normal, and that I should just draw a line under each slip-up in my weightloss journey, but ‘The Guilt’ makes it near impossible to do so. Right now, whilst most of my friends are probably thinking of/already consuming carby hangover food, I’m sat here pondering whether I’ll be able to stomach the green veg soup I have prepped in the fridge, or whether I should just skip food today altogether. It’s scary to admit it, but days like today make me realise that although my eating disorder is dormant for most of the time, it is still very much within my mind, and rears it’s ugly head at the times when I feel my weakest.
‘The Guilt’ is something I plan on blogging about a lot, as I try and form some kind of friendship with it, rather than being sworn enemies.
Thanks for reading,